Satori Martial Arts

Happy New Year everyone. Let's start 2008 with some karate jokes!
To set a good example, here is the first:

An old grandmother brought her grandchild to a karate competition. Noting that the organiser seemed understaffed she approached the table. "Good morning," she said to the Director, "you look a little shorthanded. Anything I can do to help?" "Well yes, we are short of fighters for the under 90 kg division," the director replied. "Sorry," the grandmother said, "I don't know anything about karate." "That's OK" said the director. "We need referees, too."



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Darn, the third cursor this week....

Q. How many Karatekas does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Indefinite. They all come empty handed.



Is everyone busy preparing for the next grading or why did it become so silent here?

You know you are doing too much karate if....

• You find yourself casually standing in a half cat stance.
• You trip, go into a roll and come up in a fighting stance. In church.
• You answer Ussss. To your boss.
• You are introduced to someone and you bow to greet them.
• You tie your bathrobe belt in a perfect knot; then check to make sure the ends are exactly even.
• You accept change from the cashier using a knife hand with the thumb carefully tucked in.
• When you're outside doing gardening you practice with all the neat 'weapons'.
• You look for new accommodation based on the amount of practice space it provides (who needs a bedroom?).
• You find yourself practicing bo techniques in miniature with your pencil during dull meetings.
• You notice you never stand with your arms crossed or your hands in your pockets.
• You find yourself practicing stances while standing in lines. Strangely, most people are standing cautiously far, far away from you.
• You don't use any tools while splitting firewood.
  

Please feel free to supplement.

they are great keep them coming

Never underestimate your opponent!

Two deepen our knowledge and understanding of martial arts, here a small dictionary of important terms:


Aikidō: A Japanese martial art which allows you to defeat your enemy without hurting him. Unless of course your enemy does not know how to properly do ukemi - in which case he will have all his bones shattered in no time.

Arnis: "Harness of the hand," a Filipino martial art, also known as eskrima and kali, concentrating on stick, blade and empty hand combat. Mispronunciation of the art guarantees a quick taste.

Bō: A long stick. Very useful for bashing people.

Bokken / bokutō: A stick that looks like a sword.

Bunkai: "Analysis." Sometimes the sensei actually expects you to know what you are doing.

Dan: Someone who has achieved the rank of at least first-degree black belt in a Japanese martial art.

Darn: The sound uttered when a Dan realises that from now on they will get hit more frequent and more ruthless during training.

Dōjō: "Place of the way." A training hall - similar to a B&D parlour, but without the mistresses.

Hakama: A black skirt worn primarily by Aikidōka, but they don't really like to talk about it.

Hikite: A chivalrous act in karate. By putting the fists to the hip the opponent is given a chance.

Iaidō: "Way of the sword," the art of drawing a katana from its scabbard. A rather interesting sport developed around the principle of "look how big mine is."

Jō: A short stick. Still fairly useful for bashing people.

Jūdō: "Gentle way," a Japanese pastime where grown men roll around cuddling each other.

Karate: "Empty hand." The purpose of this Japanese art is the smashing of wood, bricks and humans. Karatekas enjoy pain; this is shown by their habit of fighting with their fists on their hips.

Kata: A series of prearranged movements practiced in many martial arts in order to avoid free sparring or anything else that might involve pain.

Katana: A sharp metal stick.

Kendō: An unusual activity involving wearing strange costumes and hitting each other with sticks while making inhuman sounds. Could be a cult.

Kiai: A battle cry that is supposed to go with the release of immense energies. It is can also be used to render an opponent incapacitated with fear (or laughter).

Kobudō: "The old way," a collective term for martial arts which turned ploughshares into swords.

Kung fu: A generic term for a majority of the Chinese martial arts. Many of these arts involve the emulation of animals. Students of Praying Mantis spend years attempting to obtain the other 4 legs.

Makiwara: The karateka's equivalent to a cat's scratching post.

Master: A title bestowed on a martial artist who graded in a McDojo or has completed the "Become a Master by Video" course available for only 29.95 per month.

McDojo: Belts and glossy certificates on the quick. Special offers are available upon request. Who needs blood, sweat and hard work, anyway?

Nunchaku: Two connected sticks. Harmless looking but dangerous. Especially for the inexperienced user.

Ninja: A confused individual who takes pride in sneaking around at night in his pyjamas packed with hidden weapons.

Ninjutsu: The art of being confused and sneaking around at night in your pyjamas packed with hidden weapons.

Senpai: A more experienced student who is not yet a Dan; often used by the sensei for practical explanations. Ouch.

Sparring: Bashing each other senseless in the hope that that the sensei doesn't realise that you don't know any decent technique or kata.

Tae kwon do: This Korean martial art that relies on its followers to develop the velocity of sound and the flexibility of professional ballet dancers.

Tai chi chuan: An art that promises ultimate power from moving very slowly for many years. Unfortunately by the time you develop this ultimate power you are close to death anyway.

Zen: The discipline of enlightenment that emphasises on meditation. Mostly taught by old and confused monks who have had too many rocks fall on their heads during waterfall meditations.





P.S.: For a more serious approach click here.